Wisdom for Grads (The Dilbert MBA)

I got a HUGE LAUGH today from Scott Adam's Dilbert Blog -

Wisdom for Grads

I've been asked to compile some Dilbert advice for new graduates who have no idea what's awaiting them in the business world. I'm talking about practical advice. Here are some of the ones that come to mind.

The person who sits nearest the boss's office gets the most assignments.

Your potential for senior management will be determined by the three H's: Hair, Height, and Harvard degree. You need at least two out of three. (Non-Harvard schools will be acceptable if it's clear that you "could have gone" to Harvard.)

Your hard work will be rewarded. Specifically, your boss's boss will reward your boss for making you work so hard.

The first month on any new job should be spent talking smack about the "idiot who had the job before you."


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Scott adds: "Do you have any advice you'd like to add? (It might end up in a book.)"

The comments are priceless! - and the crazy thing is with 263 comments, Scott got everybody in essence write the book! If you're ambitious and have waaaaaay to much time on your hand, it is conceivable to copy all the comments and create your own personal book.

(Hint: it is 87 pages long...)

xxx

My Top Ten comments in no particular order (some are funny, some are very real and could trigger deep seeded bouts of depression and tears... just warning you!)

1) Never let anyone know you can add up a column of numbers, or that is all you will ever do.

2) Mission Statements are great for covering stains on walls.

3) The door to success is low. To go through it you have to bend down or bend over, depends where you want to go.

4) The more a company talks about their culture, the more screwed up they are.

5) If you find a job where you are surrounded by like-minded people, you are extremely lucky and should think twice, or thrice, before looking elsewhere.

6) The four most important purposes of any meeting:
1 - Create new work for someone else.
2 - Transfer as much of your work as possible to someone else.
3 - Prevent anyone from transferring any of their work to you.
4 - Prevent someone else from creating new work for you.

7) Be aware of office politics and how they pertain to you. Sometimes, you have to "play the game," even if you are absolutely loathed to it.

8) Bury your conscience. It will only get in the way in the coporate world. Instead, find some amusing self-destructive habits to help ease your internal anguish.

9) If you overdress, you'll garner immediate respect with the higher-up's. People might even mistake you for the boss. And dressing better than your boss is a lovely way to humiliate them, in a way they can do nothing about.

10) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.