Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Crotch Pot Cooking

With the temperature hitting 99 degrees here in Nashville, I get drenched in sweat just walking out to the mailbox. I'm glad to be working from home, but when I do some yard work or anything that involves lifting anything heavier than a pencil outdoors, I start sweating, my head starts cooking and I want to guzzle a beer... at 10 am.

The IT'S SO HOT one liners are coming back - some sound like practical tips.

It's so hot, you can make instant sun tea.
It's so hot, you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
It's so hot, you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
It's so hot, you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
It's so hot, you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
It's so hot, you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.
It's so hot, drug dealers are selling something called "Iced Crackuccino".
It's so hot, Jennifer Lopez just got engaged to Mister Softee.
It's so hot, Martha Stewart just got an inside tip on air conditioners.
It's so hot, Courtney Love has an excuse for being disoriented and unintelligible.
It's so hot, hookers are charging 50 dollars just to blow on you.

and... from Good Morning Vietnam:

"Hey, uh, hi, can you help me?"

What's your name?

"My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt."

Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in?

"I'm stationed in Poontang."

Well, thank you, Roosevelt. What's the weather like out there?

"It's hot. Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking."

Well, can you tell me what it feels like?

"Fool, it's hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! I saw... It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames. It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?"

What do you think it's going to be like tonight?

"It's gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're in the jungle."

Thank you, Roosevelt.

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