The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Gals or guys - want to dump that low life loser in 2006?

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover

The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
by Rosecrans Baldwin
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week Rosecrans Baldwin picks up where Paul Simon left off and offers a multitude of ways -- 45, actually -- to leave your lover in the dust.

Question: Paul Simon has a song called "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" but he only gives us three or four ("Get off the bus, Gus" "Get a new plan, Dan" "Drop off the key, Lee") which is a bit disappointing given the title. Any help? I've got some boyfriend issues to be dealing with here. Don't let me down! -- Diana R.

Answer: Diana, we feel your pain. Simon's song, from 1975's Still Crazy After All These Years, quotes some mysterious woman as saying there must be 50 ways to leave your lover, allowing lazy songwriter Simon to only offer five ways in the chorus: to "slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don't need to be coy, Roy; hop on the bus, Gus; just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free."

Here's the rest of the 45 ways: WARNING: some are pretty tacky...

On the flip side, I think Maria breaks up a lot as she tries to take it logically:

I develop breaking-up routines. For example, I don't break up at night. Darkness, silence, and big empty beds are an awful combination. When possible, I do it just before a trip. The change of scenery helps. Obviously, the most effective remedy is a new love interest. That can cure you faster than anything else. However, there is a risk with dating too soon, we find ourselves talking about the past.

Rock on with Maria