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My Huge Problems by Scott Adams

I'm a busy fellow. My normal day is 100% scheduled, including weekends. Christmas requires an additional 20% of my time for about a month, which I manage by eliminating sleep, exercise, recreation and physical intimacy. In return, I get presents that sit in a huge pile for weeks while I wonder where to store them.

I realize that people all over the world have bigger problems, but frankly I can't feel their pain. For some reason I only feel my own. I'm lucky that way.

The other day I was at a party hosted by some friends who were explaining how they celebrate Christmas. "We go to a Chinese restaurant and then watch a movie."

"That's it??" I asked, enviously.

Apparently being Jewish is this incredible loophole. You burn some candles, pretend to know something about an Irish family named the MacAbees, and you're all set.

This is a perfect example of how my problems seem bigger than other people's. On one hand, being Jewish means that entire countries put all of their effort into killing you. On the other hand, you don't have to celebrate Christmas. That seems like a good tradeoff to me. I'm thinking of converting if it doesn't require any chanting. As a bonus, I'd get to wear that little hat that exactly covers my bald spot.

I think more religions should require clothing that conceals your defects. Then you could pick your faith based on what's wrong with you. The Nosatarians would require a nose glove for people with ugly schnozzes. People with large butts could join religions that require you to tie a sweater to your waist. And people who are spectacularly gullible could wear explosive belts.

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